Gred and Forge's Manual For Life
by whimsical kitsch
Summary: Fred and George have decided to keep a manual about life. They will write down little tips for surviving Hogwarts, and much more.
1. How to Keep a Manual

This story is a manual Fred and George came up with, and it's kind of like a journal, only with tips in it. Fred's writings are normal, while when George talks its in _italics_ Bold is when both are speaking. I am working on a website about fanfiction, so if you want to be mentioned then let me know in a review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I wish I owned Fred and George!

Chapter One: How to keep a Manual 

Well, hello, just me and Gred here. We decided to keep a notebook together and-

_It's gonna be a manual._

Hey!

_What?_

Don't cut me off like that, I'm on a roll.

_Sorry._

My question is, what kind of a brilliant person can cut his own brother off in writing! It's ingenius.

_Thanks._

Anyway, we're gonna write down what we think is useful for life. 

_Yeah, and maybe we'll give it to Ron or Ginny later. Probably Ginny though, because Ron's a hopeless meathead. _

Yeah, we'll give it away, if Mum doesn't confiscate it from old Georgie here first.

_Hey! It wasn't my brilliant idea to let out flesh eating slugs in the garden to get rid of gnomes. Besides, Mum only got half of them. The rest are still out there._

Brilliant! Maybe Percy will stumble across one or two. If we're lucky. 

Yup. Anyhow, me and my wonderful brother here are going to write down tips for everything.

_We might even get to toilet scrubbing later on. ( _Yeah, that's most likely what our best friend Filch will make us do for detention.)

_Ah, detention! We haven't had that all summer._

I know, which reminds me, we need to think of something to give to Snape as a welcome back gift. Mmm, the fresh smell of evil plotting in the morning.

_Not evil, my dear brother, never evil. I find it to be quite helpful. Anyway, back to the manual._

Oh, right.

_Here are tips and rules for keeping a manual._

_You must be a certified genius. (like me and Fred)_

_You should have an interesting life to write about._

_Always carry your notebook around. ( we find that shrinking spells work the best)_

_You have to be incredibly good looking. ( I say, I do believe these rules were made for my brother and I.)_

They were.

_Huh?_

The rules were made for you and me.

_Whatever. That pretty much wraps it up._

Yup, gotta go, though. Mum wants to tell us something.

_Hopefully Pinhead Percy got expelled. Buh-bye._

_**Your incredible writers,**_

_**Fred and George**_

0--------------0----------------0

Ya like? Please review! And if you're wondering what happened to Snape's Unwanted Relation, I'm still writing. See, I'm real fickle when it comes to this, so I switch back and forth all the time.


	2. How to enjoy Diagon Alley

Hi. You may think that I have better things to do than type fanfiction. Well let me tell you something. I don't. Just remember: Fred's normal, George is italics, and when they both talk it's in bold type.

Chapter Two: How to enjoy Diagon Alley 

Well hello again. We just got our Hogwarts letters, and we're ready for our fifth year of school!

_Sadly, Pinhead Percy wasn't expelled, to make him feel special they gave him Head Boy._

Or Humongous Bighead, as we like to call them.

_Or Hopeless Bloke, or Huffy Boogerface._

Whatever, but we're off to Diagon Alley, and are ready to record a new batch of tips. Try to contain your enthusiasm at receiving some of our genius advice.

_Now first of all, you must know that Fred and I have been trying to get down Knockturn Alley for years._

Si, and Mum's- 

_Hold on._

What? 

_Did you just say si?_

Si, I mean yes.

_Why?_

Just thought it was interesting. Ooh, tip: Learning different languages can help you communicate with weirdos who wander down into London. It can also help impress the ladies.

Or scare them away. We'll get to that later. 

As I was saying before Gred so slyly interrupted, Mum's stopped us from getting into Knockturn Alley every time.

_Yup, every bloody time._

So this year, we have to think of a way to get in. A good tip for getting into Knockturn would be to "accidentally" say the wrong thing while using Floo powder.

_Why is your accidentally in quotation marks? That would be implying that we **directly **disobey our mother. It's an accident every time, I assure you._

Well, any way, the whole Floo powder thing didn't exactly work for us, but it's still a good tip.

_Mum is getting too fast._

Sad, but true.

_This year we're just gonna casually walk in when no one's looking._

Or run for our lives screaming from Mum.

_So true._

However, if we can't get in, then we'll just have a jolly good time in Diagon Alley.

_Hopefully we'll manage to pull Percy out of Flourish and Blotts for some ice cream._

Lord knows he could use some sugar in his system.

_Yeah, the other day he called us hooligans!_

I've never felt so insulted. We're not hooligans, we're just misunderstood.

_Tip: Always try to get drabby people to engage in fun activities every once in a while._

Good tip, but once we pestered Percy to play Gobstones, and he ended up hexing us!

_I always knew there was another side to good boy Percy. Of course the jelly leg curse wore off pretty quickly-_

So quickly that we turned his hair hot pink just in time for dinner.

_Those were the good old days._

But this is now, and we're giving tips about Diagon Alley.

_Okay. Tip: Buy what you need, but always try to squeeze in a novelty or two._

This year we want to buy a toad.

_Ginny just **loves** those._

Bet she'd love to see one in her dormitory, too.

_Tip: When searching for books, buy secondhand to save money._

Like that year we both shared Percy's old things and had enough money to buy two crates of Zonko's products.

_It was a tight squeeze, but those jokes lasted all year._

That was fun, even Dumbledore had to agree with us.

_Just so you know, we're writing this in the Leaky Cauldron._

Poor Pinhead Percy doesn't seem to realize that it was his beloved twin brothers who stole his Head Boy badge, and not Ron.

_Speaking of which, we should go give Percy our congratulations for making Head Boy this year._

Jolly good idea. Should we try a noogie, or a swirly like last time?

_Definitely the noogie. Percy's hair is just too neat. Besides, I'm feeling a little merciful today, even though seeing our brother's head in the toilet was pretty funny._

Well, here's just one more tip before we go. Pick on your siblings as much as possible, but be gentle.

_You do know that has nothing to do with Diagon Alley, right?_

Of course I do.

_Okay, just making sure you hadn't lost it._

**Sincerely,**

**Freckled Fred and Gorgeous George**


	3. How to Survive the Hogwarts Express

Hey y'all.

Thanks to all my AWESOME reviewers! I really do like how this story turned out, though I'm afraid Fred and George aren't exactly as they should be. Oh well, I got forty three reviews on chpts one and two! Butterbeers all around! (Of course Gred and Forge snuck them in from Hogsmeade) Anyway, to show you how amazing you guys are, I will personally reply to each. (See bottom of page) Anyway, remember, Fred talks normal, George is in italics, and normal bold is when they are both talking. PS: Try reading mello 80's and Chenelle's stories. Don't worry, as common courtesy, I will eventually get around to reading all of yours! But so far I particularly like those two.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. It's so cruel to make me say this over and over!

Chapter Three: How to Survive the Hogwarts Express 

Greetings. George and I are at the King's Cross right now, waiting to go through the barrier.

_Percy wasn't too happy about our congratulations._

You'd think he would actually be grateful to see how happy we are for him.

_Honestly, Fred and I are underestimated far too much. Mum got a hold of us, and she said that if we teased our brother we would amount to nothing!_

You know what Harry told us? He said a cat attacked Ron's head.

_And that Hermione bought it. _

Ronald never was too good with animals, as Scabbers is in very bad condition.

_Perhaps we should leave him alone and let the cat do all the work._

Where would the fun be in that?

_Smashing, you took the words right out of my mouth._

We both know it's only been a little while since we both wrote.

_But we decided that this book just couldn't do without our genius for a moment longer. So now we're going to write about the Hogwarts Express._

The train always brings back a rather painful memory from first year.

_I remember. We tried to lean casually on the barrier to get in, and ended up falling flat on our faces._

One good thing came out of that, though.

_What?_

That's how we met Angelina and Alicia!

_Oh yes, and as soon as Fred stops drooling over Angelina, we can talk about Alicia. She's pretty, smart, funny-_

_Ouch!_

What? whistle, whistle

_Why'd you smack me in the back of the head?_

Because you're starting to act the way Dad did when he found that Muggle toenail clipper.

_No Fred, I am not that obsessed._

Never mind, we need to think of some good tips.

Tip number one: When walking through the barrier, always try to land on attractive people who happen to be walking by.

_I just want to say that I'm proud of you._

Thank you. You're not so bad yourself, really.

_Here are some ways to get onto the platform:_

_lean casually against the barrier_

_Disappear through a crowd_

Army crawl (this is not recommended)

_Run as fast as you can_

Use invisibility (not many can do this, however)

_Just plain walk_

-Throw something in the direction of platforms eight and seven, then run in when everyone's looking the other way.

_Wow. Spanking good ideas these are._

I agree, who comes up with this stuff anyway?

**None other then us, the masters of manual making!**

0-----------------0--------------------0

Well, we're at Hogwarts now.

_Pinhead Percy was acting a bit too stiff._

So we pushed him through the barrier.

_Once again, Fred and I are actually chasticed for our good work!_

Honestly, I don't know when we'll ever be appreciated.

_Here's our routine for getting onto the train:_

Every year we shake Dad's hand.

_And get a squashing hug from Mum, and then we get jump onto the train and hang onto the sides to scare Mum and yell something reassuring._

But ususally it just scares our dear mother.

This year we told them that we'd come back with the record for the most pranks ever played at Hogwarts.

_Unfortunately, she didn't seem to reassured._

Then George went and yelled some Muggle term we heard at a movie Harry took us to. What was it again?

_Hasta la vista, baby._

Yeah. That.

Hmm. George, have you noticed that this has become more of a diary than a manual?

_Goodness, that means we can't give it to Ginny._

Maybe we can get it published and put in a library.

_Perhaps._

Well, if anyone reads this and feels that there aren't enough tips, then just use this one:

Always follow the example that George and I set in our daily lives.

_But we'll try to grace this book with our tips as much as possible with our wonderful advice._

Of course.

_Anyway, on the train, we decided to catch up with our friends._

Here's a bit of knowledge: The Hogwarts Express was practically built for socializing.

_And transportation._

Well, that too.

Tip: Grabbing your Quidditch captain by the ear and ruffling his hair is probably not the best way to greet him.

_Wood turned around and practically karate chopped us._

But when he realized that he was beating up his two unbeatable Beaters, he slowed down a little bit., and we had a proper exchange of greetings.

_Fred made it even better by slipping our new toad, named Willy, down his pants._

The best part is, Mum doesn't even know we have the toad.

_That's what makes our plans so brilliant._

Of course, I couldn't have put it better myself.

_The best part is, we saw him turn around and start talking to Katie. _(A/N: sorry, couldn't help putting that in cuz I love Katie/Oliver!)

We believe he was blushing a bit.

_Katie's a bit young for him, but at least he's paying attention to something other than Quidditch._

Like Katie's body.

_Hehe._

Anyway, we made the perfect entrance into our compartment by throwing in a filibuster firework.

_Angelina and Alicia weren't too impressed, however._

In fact, they actually seemed angry!

Tip: When others bring you down, pull a prank.

_That phrase will be famous someday, I assure you._

I agree.

_And then the snack lady came with her cart. _

Tip: Buy as much food as possible to last you the whole trip.

_For me and Fred, that sums up to about ten sugar quills, five pumpkin pastries, two cauldron cakes, three cups of pumpkin juice, one package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, and fifteen chocolate frogs._

Of course we were generous and shared some with the girls, though Angelina had the misfortune to stumble upon a booger flavored one.

_Tip: Sharing with friends brings rewards. This year the girls brought us some pictures from the Magpie/Caterpillar Quidditch game._

The stupid caterpillars won.

_We then decided to go see our dear friend Lee._

He brought his beautiful tarantula back to school this year.

_Lee agreed that we should have tried harder to lock Percy in a pyramid back in Egypt._

We truly tried, but as I said before, Mum is getting too fast.

_Then something strange happened._

The train stopped and all the lights went out.

_And the door to our compartment opened, and what Dad told us to be a dementor walked in. It got cold, and all the happiness just kind of seemed to disappear, and we saw sad memories._

I saw Percy becoming a Prefect.

In fact, those dementors kind of reminded us of Percy:

-He's really ugly

-_He's stiff as a board_

-And he sucks the fun and happiness out of everything.

_I say, perhaps Percy really is a dementor._

Marvelous deduction George. Anyhow, here's a tip:

To get rid of dementors, first think of something funny, like Percy being a dementor.

_Then think of something scary, like a dementor in its underwear._

Just thinking about that gives me shivers.

_I would have to say that the best way to get rid of them-_

Is to release Lee's giant tarantula and unleash a dungbomb, then hum God Save the Queen really loudly.

_We think the dementors might be a bit angry._

Or perhaps just disgusted.

_Our plan worked marvelously._

As it always does. Good job, Gred.

_Right back at you, Forge._

The train stopped.

_Which was good, because all of our food was gone._

Just one last piece of advice:

Always make sure your shoes are securely tied when stepping off of the train.

_I rated your spectacular landing with a ten._

Thanks, George, I love you too.

_We'll write again later._

**The advice experts Fred and George**

**0-------0------0**

Wut did u think? Let me know in a review!

Anyway, here are my reviewers:

Stella Blu: I know, you're an awesome author and reviewer! The manual will just have Fred and George stuff in it

Sassafras029: XD hahaha. You have weird friends, and please don't hunt me down with a stick!

Freak4hillaryduff: That was a BIG piece of laughter there, Jesse. I know a good therapist you could see.

Silverone3: I know, I wish Fred and George went to my school too.

Mirficus: Uh-oh. That didn't sound good.

Mello80: Please don't stalk me! Please!

Chenelle: Thanks, I tried to portray them as well as I could. The website is more of a webpage, but if I put u on it, then it would all be good, trust me. BTW, thanks for updating Always Remember!

Darkdanny: glad you thought it was "freakingly awesome funny," but why do you hate Hagrid so much? I know he's kind of weird but…

Future Mrs. Radcliffe: I love your name, though I would have to say I'm more of a Future Mrs. Grint type. Glad you liked the story!

Colorfulcrayons: No offense, but how much firewhiskey have you had lately? But no, nothing could ever be better than a banana tree in my own backyard!

ShortAtntionSpaz: I liked your profile page, and you can use that advice whenever.

Krymsan Dragyness: I don't mind the begging, but please don't lick my shoes, they're new.

Wysja: thanx, glad u liked it.

Uncannyinstigator: Don't worry, Snape gets his "gift" in the next chapter, though don't be expecting anything too amazing. In answer to your question, this takes place in Harry's third year.

Slim Shady: I'll keep going, and by the way, I liked your song parody.

DrAcOmAlFoYiSh088: Thanks for loving it!

Jo: oooh, you're intrigued? Mwahaha!

Miss mcGonagle: Glad you think so, and the website will be on expage.

Madnutterfan: I know, my tone and style are sooooo awesome! (psych) Sorry bout the lack of tips, though. I'll try to write more.

Freespirit65: and I quote "interesting…" Yay!

Madie-loves-Fred: Back off, Fred Weaseley is mine! :: puts down picture of Fred she has been drawing hearts on and goes to hunt you down::

Ishy: Yay! Thanx for your review!

Aaliyah-Charity: Glad you thought it was funny, I will try to write more.

DianaGranger1991: Brilliant? Oh well, I'll take my compliments where I can get them.

Elli: I know, Fred and George rule!

RissaMalfoy: Thanks for reviewing this and my other story!

Sobeit364: Well, me and you can just wish together about owning Fred and George! (but I call dibs on Fred)

Violetpixie114: Glad you thought it was funny, and I like your name!

Kaleena Mason: lol

Dark Vampiress: You think I know Fred and George. That's one of the best compliments I've ever received!

Princess-Perfect: I know I'm unique, as my friends so often point out. Glad you think I portray them well!

Criminy: I know, I love their nicknames: Gred and Forge. Don't worry, the part about Snape is in the next chap.

Rainbowfuzzlez: Your name is so kewl! And don't worry, I'll keep writing more so you guys can keep reading more!

Well, thanx for the reviews! Kudos to you! (from sassafras029)


	4. How to Understand this Stupid Author

A/N:

Sorry if you're disappointed, but this is not a new chapter. It's just to put a few things straight. Firstest of all, I want to say that everybody needs to read Stella Blu's story, cuz when I was making up the author's note in my head, I can honestly say that I had her name in it. But you must forgive me, because I kinda had an accident about a week ago: I ran into a tree playing dodgeball. And I don't know about you guys, but when I was trying to draft the author's note in my head at school, I was occasionally interrupted by:

People asking what the heck happened to my head

Getting teased with names such as Tree-head-girl, Treegirl, etc.

My meanie friend Mello80 mentioning it over and over

The throbbing pains I received when quirking my eyebrows

This is also why Chapter three took so long. I expected it to be finished earlier than Tuesday, but anyway, the reason it wasn't typed was because of all the stupid stuff I have to do all week. Even without homework, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are booked. So don't expect chapter four to be out soon. ANY IDEAS ARE WELCOME! I also want to say that Gred and Forge need some prank ideas. So anybody with an idea can put it in their review, so give me some ideas, please!

-banana-princess 93, aka anna banana, Fabi-idiot, idiot friend,(for running into a wall) treegirl,(for running into a tree), poser(for wearing an element tshirt when I don't board), or just plain Anna.


	5. How to Return to School

Hey guys, really sorry about the long wait, but school and basketball and yearbook staff… yeah, it's been hectic. Plus there was the fact that my friends were begging me to update my other story. (ok ok, so maybe like two people, but it's a start.) Anyway, I'm really sorry if this chapter sucks, but I kind of hit a writer's block, and even though some people gave me AMAZING ideas, I still need some material for the next chapter, in which Fred and George will attempt to decorate their dormitories. Dum, dum, dum…

Thanks to all my awesome reviewers! (see replies at bottom)

And for me, it's not THAT weird that I ran into a tree, once I ran into a birdfeeder dish. And I still have the eight-year-old scar to prove it.

Chapter Four: How to Return to School 

We're sitting in detention now.

_Can you believe it? We just started school and already we're being punished._

Excellent!

_It was only a matter of time until we were reunited with the dirty bedpans in the hospital wing._

Anyway, we took the horseless carriages, (we're convinced that this is just some strange conspiracy to make Hogwarts look more interesting, though it captures George and me's attention quite well) and ended up at the front doors of our favorite castle, a.k.a.: only castle we've ever visited.

_We proceeded into the great hall. It was a lot of fun to cast concerned glances at the first years, as if something bad was to come._

Snape's permanent frown seemed to get even worse when we walked in.

_It's just wonderful to know how we can brighten his day so much._

Tip: Never be intimidated by strange looks people give you; it's only because they're jealous of how wickedly handsome you are.

Of course we had Snape's gift all ready.

_We just need to wait until the right time._

So after stuffing our faces, we decided that it would be a good time to show him our gratitude, right before Dumbledore delivers his yearly speech.

_Fred got our teacher's gift ready._

We really couldn't wait until it was time.

_Tip: It's fine to be impatient to see old friends._

_So we quietly made our way to where Snivellus was sitting._

He was glaring at us maliciously.

_Probably to prevent himself from jumping for joy at the thought of all the wonderful memories we'd make that year._

Then, we both jumped up together and said the incantation.

_We charmed it just right, because a giant snake began to float in the air-_

Saying 'Snape needs counseling' over and over again. (My special touch)

_Then the snake spit a special potion out._

We were hoping for venom, the potion worked as well.

_It was a special potion._

So as soon as it touched Snape's skin, he turned bright red and gold, of course with plenty of warts to go with it.

_I must say, red and gold are NOT his colors._

Tip: Never be afraid of the impression you make when giving your salutations.

Perhaps we should have turned him into something instead.

_Like a warthog._

That would've been wicked.

_And fun to watch._

Yes.

_But now we're in detention._

That didn't stop us from stealing our brand new toad from Ollie to throw it in the direction of McGonagall, though.

_Or transfiguring Filch into a what slightly resembled a giant spider, but I think Fred got it wrong._

Of course I didn't get it wrong, that was to scare little Ronniekins. Besides, the spell will reverse in an hour or two.

_We also gave Mrs. Norris a very satisfying kick._

After which Filch chased after us, but getting past the tables was hard, with everyone screaming their heads off.

_Tip: A dramatic entrance is always good._

Understatement of the year.

But don't forget this tip: Sing the Hogwarts song however you want to, no matter how much food is thrown in your direction.

_I still have mashed potatoes in my hair, and we only yodeled a bit._

I thought our singing talents were quite good, actually.

_Oh well, goodbye._

We must be going.

_You know, we wouldn't want to miss out on torturing some innocent prefects._

We always find that binding their legs is useful.

_Tip: If someone is in authority, throw them off with a good hex. (this is with the exception of Dumbledore)_

**Master Pranksters,**

**Freddie-Weddie and Georgie-Puss**

**0-----------0----------0**

um… ooooookkkkkkk. Those nicknames at the end were uncalled for. But anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, and I promise to write more soon!

DEVON MURRAY RULES!

PS: I would really appreciate any advice that is to be given.

I would also like to thank sassafras029 for her good ideas.

**Idea: it would be great to have a poll for reviewers, so for the gals out there, which guy in the Harry Potter movies do you think is the hottest? (**sorry to any guys out there)

**Mello80: **guess what? I'm still ahead of you. Mwhahahaha! But that's okay, I'm sure people are only reading b/c they realize that my passion for Fred burns with the intensity of a thousand suns…. Yeah. O well lol and c u at school.

**Chenelle: **Yeah I bet Oliver was pretty pissed off. And in the words of Fred and George, that line will go down in history. Hehe. Glad u liked it.

**AnnieShan: **Yeah I think that bueno mucho means good much, but that's ok, u tried your best. Sure you can have Lee, as long as I still get Fred! Don't worry I have friends who aren't blondes and sometimes they, too, can be quite scary. Well, mostly I'm the one scaring them but…

**39.5.3: **That's an interesting name. Sorry about your experience with pranksters.

**Freak4hillaryduff: **Haha, bet you weren't expecting two updates in two days! Take that! I don't know about the sound effects but I was already planning a chap on pranking. And yes you still do need a therapist.

**Stella Blu: **Yeah natural clumsiness sucks but when I ran into that tree I kind of bonded so now I run around telling people to save the trees, hehe. And question: how could you steal my cape if I didn't have one in the first place? HUH?

**Sassafras029: **check out my homepage u r mentioned! Thanx for the line ideas, cuz now that I think about cartoons are where most fanfiction writers get inspiration. THANX! Yeah Percy does have a five foot stick shoved up his… nose. And if you start hurling fruit I will set my Pekingese/Poodle on you! She's very fierce for a … weird and tiny dog.

**Catgirl002: **I WISH I had been seeing J. K. Rowling. Thanx for your review! And the part about the dementor just came to me naturally, being Fred's girlfriend and all. Lol ( srry the chpts are short but I write in short bursts and run out of material sometimes, any ideas would be welcome!)

**Treschic: **Are you sure that wasn't the ONLY reason people were giving you weird looks? J/K, J/K, J/K! lol, but thanx I'm glad you liked it and for me running into a tree was actually kind of average. (literally)

**Dark Vampiress: **cough, I know I'm awesome aren't I?, cough. Hehe, glad u thought the reviews were well deserved, you are now officially on my "good list"

**Freespirit65: **Yeah that is used a lot but why not use it again? And I LOVE OLIVER! ( not as much as I love fred, tho) But I have some good cough medicine if you need it.

**Mystery Girl: **hmmmmmm… a mystery girl with good ideas… WHO ARE YOU AND WUT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE GIRL WHO ISN'T A MYSTERY??? Thanx for the tip I will definitely use that in later chapters.

::grabs cloak and runs off to the find the mystery girl's identity::

**Anon Junky: **glad you liked it!

**Emerson D'Artagnan: **Yay! I get an E! Woohoo! I love it when people say I can portray the twins, you just made my day. And I will DEFINITELY check out your fic, so put it up soon!

**Yousuck: **Yeah I know the chapters are similar, but jeez I mean I can write how I wanna right and you need to live with it!!!!! ( see piece of advice on profile page) And that statement is pretty strong coming from someone who either doesn't have an account or isn't brave enough to sign in.


	6. How to Decorate your Dormitory

Hey well I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I got a guitar! Woohoo! Ok well I wish everyone a happy New Years! This is my present to you faithful reviewers to bring in the new year. I really appreciated the ideas and I want to credit Councelor for Pranksters Unanonymous for the quicksand idea. Thanks to all my reviewers!

Disclaimer: hmmmm… Do I live in Scotland? No. Am I a blond? No. Am I rich? No. Am I working my butt off to get The Halfblood Prince published by July? No. By the look of things I'm not J. K. Rowling; the characters and the setting belong to her. But the pranks are mine and the ideas of my reviewers. I would also like to say that Fred and George's promise is based roughly on the Preamble to the Constitution.

**Chapter 6: How to Decorate the Dormitories**

Well, now that we've unpacked, it's time to decorate our dormitory!

_Yes, indeed._

We already put Lee's tarantula to good use.

_Let it loose in the common room is all we did._

But we brought plenty of stuff from home to decorate with.

_Like streamers, posters, and even some kitchen mold. It's going to be a comfy year, that's for sure._

Tip: Decorations express your personality, so do it how you want to.

_Our dormitory is going to be beautiful._

Tip: Don't bother with what other people think, since you will be living there.

_We heard some Slytherins cussing each other like drunken sailors, so we took photographs and hung them up in our room._

Did we mention the words are written on them?

_They boost our self confidence, so no one should say anything about it. Next we hang up some pictures of our lovers._

We know that they're secretly longing for us.

_And then we hang up some red and gold streamers that say 'Slytherins are NOT people; feel free to kill them at will.'_

Oh how true that is.

_Perhaps we can accomplish that this year._

Mwahaha. O well, then we hang up some Puddlemere United posters.

_Next it was important to switch the red comforters with Mum's quilts._

Now our beds are warmer and a bit more colorful.

_Not to mention uglier. _

Tip: Comfort beats appearance. It does in the long run, anyway.

_Well one of our roommates is a prefect._

He's a bit stuffy, and if he's not careful he'll end up like Percy. I shudder at the thought.

_So to lighten him up we put a quicksand spell next to his bed._

We also did it to the other boy's dormitories, too.

_Tip: Feel free to spruce up other people's living quarters._

It's not dangerous; as soon as it reaches their necks the spell vanishes and they pop back up.

_It was still really funny to see Percy's look of terror when we tried it on him, though._

I heartily agree. Hopefully we can just let him slip all the way down next time.

_The sacred kitchen mold from home gets a prime spot up on the wall._

Sort of like a hunting trophy.

_It should be one, since Mum nearly killed me when she found out what I was carrying up the stairs._

Tip: Little touches from home are always helpful to make you less homesick.

_We also enchanted our window to flash different colors at night._

It sort of resembles a nightlight.

_We also jinxed our door to poor water on any unwanted visitors._

Cough, Percy, cough.

_Do you need some tonic for that cold?_

No thank you.

_Alright, just checking that you didn't catch the stuffiness from Percy. Of course finally we scatter some of our brand new jokes around the room._

They are very useful when an unsuspecting visitor picks one up.

_Next we hung up our little promise:_

_We, the pranksters of Hogwarts school, _in order to form a more hectic life, _with pranks and jokes, _do solemnly swear to cause as much trouble as humanly possible.

_And their you have it._

Tip: Always try to make a good impression.

_We're striving to make people look up to us._

Of course we're already smart and macho.

_Well we must go set off some firecrackers as a celebration. _

Goodbye.

**The incredibly intellegient, strong, and looked-up-to writers, **

**Gred and Forge**

**0----------000----------0**

O dear. I found a bit of this quite pointless. Let me know what you think. But we just had a chemical spill near our town, so if you wanna pray for us that would be great. Any ideas? Fred and George play Quidditch next chapter!

As for my poll:

Sean Biggerstaff: 2

Rupert Grint: 3

Phelps twins: 2

Tom Felton: 1

Devon Murray: 2 (including me)

Ok well sorry I can't reply to reviews right now but I'm really stressed out and I have to go. Bye!


	7. How to Play Quidditch

HI! I'm really really sorry for not updating in over a month. So far, that's been the longest I've gone without updating… :sighs: I've missed the reviews, but OMG guess what? I hit 100 reviews! I'm so happy! Thank you thank you thank you everyone who reviewed! If not for the reviews I most likely would have given up the will to write this story, so you've really helped me along. Please read and… review! Omg, hang on, my mom's friend and her HOTT son just came over, lol. Gotta go get the food they brought. (My mom's in Korea to visit her family, so that's partly why I haven't been updating. It would be great if you guys could pray.) Also, I would like to thank Aracalien for correcting the whole Gred/Forge mixup. I haven't read the book in a while but I'm still a blundering idiot when it comes to this! Thanks! I went back and edited it. I'd also like to thank Chenelle for the whole Bludger chasing Oliver thingy, and Glaze for the broomstick spell idea! Bloody brilliant, you two! ( And a note to Ajariel the Bloody, your ideas are good, especially the Ron/Pansy one, but I have no place for it in this chapter, so it'll be showing up soon.)

**Chapter Seven: How to Play Quidditch **

Hello there.

_We're back!_

Yes isn't it wonderful?

_What part of our writing wouldn't be wonderful?_

That's actually a very good point, dear brother.

_Anyway, we are just here because we're sitting in the empty locker room after Quidditch practice._

Wood was acting like a slave driver; he's practically tearing his hair out.

_If we don't win the Quidditch cup this year, he'll bloody go insane!_

That would be quite fun to watch, actually. If Wood ever goes loony, remind me to bring some chocolate frogs.

_Will do. We can do that after we charm a Bludger to chase him around the field. (Updates about this later)_

Now where were we?

_Quidditch._

Ah.

_The first thing you need to know about Quidditch is that-_

IT'S WICKEDLY AWESOME!

_Exactly what I was going to say._

There's lots of action, _Chasers_, Keepers, _Seekers_, a Quaffle, _a Snitch,_ yelling_, and screaming_, hot girls and their bums…

_And Beaters! That's us._

And we handle the Bludgers.

_It's a hell of a Quidditch position. _

Best one there is.

_Those Bludgers are no match for the great Gred and Forge!_

Though I have taken one to the head once or twice.

_Yeah… but still._

Either way, the Bludgers rule!

_Now, during practice, it's always good to act as interested as possible._

We enjoy sleeping through the strategy and pep talks, ourselves.

_That's as interested as I can get._

Tip: Show reverence to your Quidditch captain.

_I don't believe I know what this 'reverence' is. _

_Hmmm._

_We'd better make up a definition for it._

Reverence: Any type of pranking, bullying, or teasing shown towards someone older than you.

_Perfect!_

Just think of all the times we've shown that to Percy!

_Quite a lot._

Tip: Going off subject is okay, as long as it's a good subject.

_Anyway, it's quite noticeable how often we are tormented by other teams on the pitch._

A way to get people off of your back is to give them a taste of their own medicine. Tip: Be AGGRESSIVE during Quidditch.

_I do believe that a list is in order._

_Ways to shake off your opponents_, or rather curses to put on their brooms.

_Bewitch the cushioning charm on the broom so that it feels like a cactus._

Put on a charm on said broomstick so that Bludgers are attracted to it.

_Change the broom into a portkey that sends its owner straight to Filch's office._ ( This is illegal however… but bloody brilliant!)

Make it so that bats fly out of the end of it.

_Transfigure the twigs on the end into worms. _

Place a charm that gives the rider warts. (in a very uncomfortable place)

_7) Send the broom into a set course. ( Preferably something that spins or has a near miss with Snape's head.)_

Set it on fire in the air.

_You may want to use caution on that last one. _

Indeed. Unless it's a Slytherin, of course.

_Then you can do whatever you please, by all means. _

Tip: Show no mercy with your Quidditch techniques.

_Once we hit a Dopplebeater Defense so hard at Pucey that he had to stay in the hospital wing for a week._

Same with Roger Davies.

_Bloody, conceited, Ravenclaw git. _

You're just sore because he asked Alicia out.

_Well, that and the fact that he's a bloody wanker._

And now back to Quidditch.

_Okey Dokey._

Tip: When dealing with referees, it is always best to-

_Handle with care!_

Excellently put, Gred.

_Madam Hooch can be very tough sometimes._

She's got eyes like a hawk.

_Literally._

Well, occasionally with her hawk eyes she spots us… shall we say, using the rules a little differently.

_We didn't break them, we swear._

We made sure to alter our copies of the rule book first, so if anyone should ask, the term "It's not in our rulebook" may help a bit.

_Tip: Know your loopholes in rules._

But when we are caught, er, using the rules a little differently, it's always good to have a good defense prepared.

_Such as: "That Bludger has it in for me."_

No offense, but that's not exactly the best smooth talk you've ever come up with, twin.

_Then we'll just have to hold our heads up and say, "We're reckless and proud!" _

Brilliant. That's how you handle it.

_Now we move on to being effective Beaters._

Tip: Handle your position with grace and precision.

_In this case, not falling off your broom would be a good plan._

Good example.

_A good idea is to hit a Bludger at the people on the opposing team that you hate the most._

Marcus Flint is going down!

_After that, you take down the Seeker of the other team._

Okay, then Draco Malfoy, Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang will meet their makers!

_Yeah!_

Next you feel free to throw a Bludger at any random person not in Gryffindor.

_Including Snape._

Of course. Also Percy, even though he is in Gryffindor, accidents do happen now and then.

_Tip: It's always good to have a good show._

You can fly loops, or when you win have a victory dance.

_Or just perhaps a war call._

Ingenious!

_Angelina and Alicia will be kept safe by the human Bludgers!_

Well, and of course we'll protect the rest of the team.

_Especially Harry. _

Most definitely.

_Let' s just hope Lee doesn't get in trouble again._

He most likely will, considering we gave him a list of rude remarks to use.

_When Diggory hears about how he still wets the bed on a nightly basis, hopefully his game will be distracted. _

And if not, then we'll all have a good laugh. Tip: Always have FUN during Quidditch.

_Well got to go, we're playing Hufflepuff in exactly twenty minutes, but the weather doesn't exactly look so good._

0-0-0

_Well, that certainly was an interesting match. _

Bloody Hufflepuff won!

_And Angelina and Alicia were giggling over Diggory before the game, too. _

Moving to more pressing matters, Harry got attacked by a DEMENTOR! Poor boy, we'll have to cheer him up by hexing Malfoy to oblivion or something.

_It was actually very scary just watching him fall like that._

I hate Diggory.

_As off subject as that was, I must agree with you. Perhaps we can beat Diggory up instead of Malfoy to make Harry feel better. _

Good idea. We just visited The-Boy-Who-Fell-Off-His-Broom in the hospital wing. He's doing alright.

_Not exactly peachy keen about missing the Snitch, though._

But he'll live.

I _hope he gets a Firebolt._

Real pity his Nimbus broke.

_Let us take a moment of silence in honor of this great broom…_

Okay, enough silence already. Unfortunately, Harry fell before Lee could use our rude remark list.

_Damn. We also didn't get to use our defense tactics. _

As long as Ravenclaw beats Hufflepuff we can test our ideas out against Slytherin.

_I can't wait. _

Well, must be getting to practice.

_Until next time. _

**The Best Bloody Beaters in the World, **

**Gred and Forge**

**0-0-0**

Well, there you go. Sorry if they seemed a bit out of character, but my writing seems to have taken a strange turn that I'm not sure is good or bad. Please let me know what you think. I also need some ideas. **Next chapter** **Gred and Forge take on… FOOD!** **Also a new poll…. Fred or George?** And now I respond to reviews!

Girlygirl023: Go sadie you're the 100th reviewer! Woohoo!

Hermione-April: Good idea, I'll try to work it in. Thanx!

From the Very Depths of Hell: ooo a hint… hmm…. I can't figure it out! Darn… lol I will keep writing.

Naoko Tasaki: Thanx very much. But yousuck obviously has an opinion that I'm okay with as long as he doesn't start throwing rotten fruit at me… lol.

Mystery Girl: A female version of Malfoy… haven't seen many of those but thanks for the review!

Miss McGonagle: Yes I liked the streamers too. Thank you soo so so much for your prayers, it cleared up all right, but sadly like nine people died…

Aracalien: Thank you so much for the criticism and for not flaming me in the process of giving it. I fixed the problem right away, but please tell me if I do it again. Btw, did you change your penname or something? 'Cause I assumed that it was Anonymoos but then I looked back and it was different, so… scratches head.

Chenelle: thanks for your idea, I hinted at it earlier during the chapter. Omg, pick Sean Biggerstaff… Most definitely! I miss the hickey so…:sob: much!

Sassafras029: Well thanx for that very entertaining review. It was really fun to read. And to clear up what you read in my other story, Seamus and Simarra looked at each other in a weird way, no one else was involved in the staring thingy… lol but your reviews are truly funny! I put you on my homepage again but under PETOP so nobody can really tell, right?

Rising waves: That is the praise that I receive most frequently.. but love with all my heart! Thank you! That always brightens my day.

Glaze: I used your idea! It was really very good.

Blazing Unicorn: A little late on the poll there, but I don't really care. Thanks so much for your review! And I know, Fred and George rule!

Kitty-katty-blu: Hey jessie good job on the idea supplying but I probably won't use it until a later chapter.

Roe Merrifield: He got a mohawk? Whoa I need to keep up with these things! And I'm really glad your cough has gotten better, George says his is healing too, thank you.

Mello80: Thanx for tha review! Oooo u like an Irish guy! Lol Luv ya too but I love the Irish guy Seamus more.

Bellartix-voldielocksOo: cute name! thanx for the review!

Ajariel the Bloody: I love your penname and I think the ideas are cool, they should come in later chapters. Uh-oh, I have to go barricade my windows from those apples. Rock on!

Niwrem: thank you so much! hug


	8. How to Prepare and Eat Food

Disclaimer: The pranks are mine in this chapter, the rest is not…

Hey guys, REALLY sorry about the lack of updates lately. I've just went through one of those slumps. Not a block, just… a slump. So yeah. But I'm gonna be picking things up. I expect to have The Leprechaun finished within the next week or so, and I'm working on a Molly/Arthur one-shot. Sorry these are so short, but I just can't fill up a page as quickly with this.

**Chapter 8: How to Prepare and Eat Food**

The extreme pranksters are back!

_Ready to make mischief?_

As ready as I always am!

_Good. Let's get started._

First off, the subject is food. You know, eating it, making it, drastically tampering with it…

_It's one of the best subjects ever!_

It's still a far cry from pranking of course.

_With that I must agree._

But pranking, with its many rules and regulations, must be precisely done by experts like us.

_But pretty much anyone can deal with food in the right way. Now there are several ways to eat food:_

_-You can nibble at it_

_-_Take small bites

-Take large bites

_-Shovel it all in as fast as you can_

-Eat without chewing.

_We could go on and on and on. The fourth one is my favorite, personally._

Me too. Tip: Eat however you want, just get it done.

_Anyway, the other day Fred and I were eating…_

And we decided…

_That we wanted to tell the whole school how bloody awesome we think Hogwarts food is. _

So we magically magnified our voices, mounted our brooms, and flew around the Great Hall yelling, "The food is bloody brilliant!"

_That landed us about a week of detention, it did. _

Tip: Don't let anything hinder your passion for food. It's too good to just ignore.

_Scarf 'til you barf!_

If I remember correctly, you and I threw a scarf 'til you barf party just last year.

_Good times, good times._

Lee ate about twenty sandwiches, and chugged a whole jug of pumpkin juice. Then…he threw it back up.

_Tip: Even if it comes back up, enjoy food to its fullest when you have a good chance. _

Even Katie took a leaf out of our book and ate about 15 cauldron cakes on a double-hippogriff dare.

_Anyway, between Hogwarts and home, we certainly get enough good food. _

Though our mother is famed in the family for her recipes, Gred and I decided to make one of our own on behalf of the pranksters of the world.

_The ingredients are as follows:_

-20 vomit flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans (for flavor)

-A chocolate frog

-1 bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey

-1 package of cockroach clusters

-1 prototype canary cream (Yet to be revealed to the public)

Use a liquidation spell to turn your creation into a seemingly harmless beverage.

_We tested the result on Montague._

He turned into what looked like a demented version of a cook's boggart.

_Fortunately we were able to get a snapshot._

Tip: After a prank, always have a camera at hand.

_Anyway, since the whiskey made him a bit tipsy, he traipsed around the halls like a feathered drunkard._

Which, technically, he was.

_Everyone assumed it was us. And though we were burning to admit it, we didn't want to get detention._

Although we're trying to set a new detention record, we don't want our precious pranking time wasted away while we're scrubbing floors.

_Anyway, concerning food:_

Tip: If you want to play a good prank on the whole of Hogwarts, the best thing to do is tamper with the food.

_Because everyone eats food._

I dunno. I'm beginning to suspect that Snape sucks blood instead.

_That's a very likely possibility. _

But anyway, if you wanted to, say, turn the whole student and teacher body into steam spouting spectacles, then you go straight to the kitchens.

_You just tickle that fat pear and you're on your way to the perfect prank. _

Actually, once you look at it, the pear's kind of… deformed. Don't you think, Gred?

_That's quite off the subject, Forge._

Yes, but all the same…

_Well, it is rather disturbing. But let's get back to the subject. This is a very important document that we're penning. It may well go down through history, so we can't have it going off subject._

Well, you're off subject now. Ha!

_Fine! Ahem. We've formed a sort of friendship with the house elves._

Well, they're not really smart enough to refuse us.

_True. But as long as we swear that it's important that we slip something into the food, they leave us alone. _

Of course, before we slip a solution into the feast, we always test it on a Slytherin to make sure it's not poisonous first.

_Tip: If you're going to test food on someone, make it's someone that won't be missed. _

So, with the assurance from watching Crabbe that it's not dangerous, we slipped our concoction into tonight's feast.

_Hope it all goes well!_

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Well, that was one hell of a feast!

_Best one all year. _

First off, I must say that Dumbledore looks really good with steam spouting out of his ears. Second, so did everyone else in the Great Hall.

_Third, our prank earned a lot of laughter._

And fourth, we have detention for a week.

_Another successful prank completed. _

Our detention starts tonight, so we must be going.

_Tootles. _

**The best chefs in the world, **

**G & F**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Alritey, then, I'm going on vacation next week, so hopefully the next chapter will be up around Friday or so. I'm too tired to do review responses. Sorry. Anyhoo, the next chapter's on Dealing with Authority, so any ideas are heartily welcome!


	9. How to Deal with Hogwarts Authority

**How To Deal With Hogwarts Staff**

Ok, feel free to do anything mean and/or crippling that you can, because I fully deserve to be tied up and thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge for disappearing like that. It's been months! I'm sooo sorry, you guys! A lot of things have been going on and fan fiction was one of the last things on my mind. But last night I stayed up until one writing, and I'm ready to reassume my responsibilities as the author of this fic.

-This chapter is dedicated to I'mCrazyandProudofIt, for giving me a nice swift kick in the arse and getting me to post this chapter. Thank you! 

-The pigment idea for the prefects is courtesy of The Bird of Prey. Glaze and PleaseExcusetheOrneryPenguins also made valuable contributions with their brilliant ideas.

-

---------

Well, we're back.

_Dreadful, isn't it?_

I know. I nearly died when I found out that it was time to add another installment to our manual.

_Ah well, I suppose the demands of the public must be met. _

Er, there is the fact that no one but us reads this.

_Yes. And I hope Percy never gets his hands on it._

Actually, it would be quite entertaining to watch him turn red and sputter as he read the embarrassing things that are written here.

_Though it could very well be the end of our career as writers. _

Hmm. Very well. On with today's topic: Authority! Namely, Hogwarts teachers and staff. Also prefects.

_Just the mere mention of authority makes anarchy seem like the best thing in the world._

Anarchy has always been one of the best things in the world, in case you hadn't noticed.

_Yes, but authority just makes it all worthwhile, you know?_

I know.

_We've decided that pranking our teachers has been very important of late, since everyone is so uptight about this Sirius Black fellow._

Anyhoo, with authority in general:

We find that when you get into a tight spot with these dictators, you have several options.

Say you are apprehended by a teacher or prefect for recklessness or a prank you just pulled. They are questioning you and giving you those This-is-what-happens-when-a-woman-has-seven-children looks in the middle of a corridor.

You can:

-_Sweet talk them (We find that we are naturally very slick, so while it may be quite easy for us, it may not be for others)._

-Bribe them (For some reason, this one usually does not work, unless they are just one of those stupid prefects who got picked because they were-sadly- the best for the job.)

_-Blackmail them. We have, on occasion, blackmailed certain authority persons, but seeing as they didn't get us in trouble, we're not allowed- according to code of the prankster, section two, paragraph four- to tell you about it._

-Distract them with shiny things. 

_-Begin to yell in a foreign language. (If you know one. We often find that Chinese is unknown to most teachers we have come upon, but Latin is a no-go.)_

-Point behind them and yell "Hey, is that a- (insert obscure and dangerous magical object or student doing forbidden hex here)"

_In the event that these subtle escape routes do not work, and you are taken to an office and issued detention, you can always fill their post boxes with junky chain letters or jury duties. That always works to piss people off. _

Anyway, we have taken the time to make a special section for each teacher, so this entry will be better organized.

_Allow us to begin the list. _

Argus Filch and his beloved (by him and no one else) feline Mrs. Norris:

_Profile: Nasty, wheezy old pair who should have, in our opinions, been booted out years ago. Filch looks like a hex gone bad and Mrs. Norris **never bloody gets old. **Both extremely hard to get along with, bloody good at finding people doing questionable things (no matter where they are), and simply butt ugly. _

Quite easy to sneak up on, since they're often quite busy chasing naughty students and Peeves around.

_But then, there's Mrs. Norris. It's like the beast has a sneakoscope built in or something. Also, she, being a cat, is quite alert to things sneaking behind her. _

Tip: You must learn stealth if you want to be a good prankster.

_One of the best things to do when dealing with these particular two is to throw things at them and then run away. _

Examples: Dungbombs, water balloons, ink pellets, Fanged Frisbees, firecrackers, etc.

_Or you could simply hurl any old thing, say, a textbook, and hightail it for the nearest loo where you can seek a sanctuary of sorts. _

There are also those little things you can do.

_Like writing "Filch is a hag" in the enormous amounts of mud we accidentally-on-purpose track in, coincidentally right in front of Filch's office._

Or strategically placing spiders in his desk.

_Next authority figure is McGonagall._

Profile: A strict old hawk, sometimes extremely pristine and then a twentieth century recreation of a viking beserkir. Is extremely good at verbal abuse. (Subtly worded so as not to be extremely hurtful, but very critical) Has "the look," namely a very impressive evil eye. Not necessarily someone we hate, but she is fun to laugh at and disrespect every now and then, especially since she's so funny and scary at the same time when she's angry.

_With this witch of wonder, 'tis best to do things secretly and out of plain sight. _

Even though we almost always get automatically blamed for most funny business around the school, we think it better not to be directly seen by Mickey G.

_Who would kill us if she knew we were secretly calling her that behind her back._

Tip: Know when and where to push your limits.

_We'll turn someone's head into a pumpkin or something, and then go off into a corner to twiddle our thumbs until she rounds the bend, explodes, and comes over to grab us by the ears. _

After about five years, I've almost bloody lost the feeling in mine.

_So she'll rant a little, and in that shaking voice of hers she'll demand to know who did it. _

And she'll glance around for Longbottom or a naughty Slytherin and will rest her eyes upon the glorious sight that is Fred and George Weasley.

_Next thing we know, we're in her office, wring lines and reveling in the glory of our most recent prank. _

Then there's Madam Pince.

P_rofile: Bird-like woman with extremely good eyes and ears. Can detect us from about a mile away. Will kill you if she sees you harming her books. She's been known to enchant books to beat you over the head if you handle them improperly. Very stern, but fun to mess with. _

We usually just take some of the more innocent books like "Quidditch Through the Ages" and replace it with some rather obscene things that will not be written in this book.

_There's also the noise trick. _

We've learned how to enchant any book to wail and screech at the slightest touch, thus setting off most of the other books in the library (which we similarly enchanted) and causing the most chaotic noise you ever did hear.

_We got about a month's worth of detention for that, but it took the spells awhile to wear off, so it was quite worth it. _

Now Professor Flitwick. He's one of those people that you can normally just put any old prank on and he'll look twice as funny. Short, squeaky, and easily confused. But still very bright. He can charm your ears off at the drop of a hat. While dangerous, he is still easy to sneak up on and the results are priceless.

_We once put a draught into his pumpkin juice that made bubbles come out of his mouth whenever he attempted to speak. _

And once we altered his voice to make it sound low and gravelly- and German. The German part was accidental, but it worked really well.

_This next bit is dedicated to dear, dear Snape. _

Whom we dislike strongly with a passion.

_Profile: Greasy, hook-nosed pig with nothing better to do than be evil and deduct points from innocent Gryffindors. He's been out to get us since Day 1 of school. We hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him! Would be dead by now if we didn't respect Dumbledore enough. _

We've tried all sorts of things on him.

_There are traditional things, like Zonko's products and such. _

And making his food taste like owl pellets.

_Or substituting our Potions homework with foot-long essays and how garish of a bat he is and how he should really discover a little something called shampoo._

We enjoy slipping Sneakoscopes into his robes and then loudly talking about how he's having a sordid romance with Trelawney.

_He'll look like he's about to explode from anger when his robes start quivering and whistling like the Hogwarts Express._

I remember that we once conjured a patch on his back that said "I'm too sexy for my shirt."

_That one tided everyone over for about a month. _

I think that's enough now. We've hated on him enough.

_We'll never have hated on him enough!  
_

Mmm… agreed. But we need to move on if we're going to finish this in time for class.

_Very well. How about Madam Pomfrey?_

Yes. Very good.

_Okay, with her we usually just replace minor healing potions with draughts that turn your hair pink or give you a third eye for the day. Nothing serious._

There was that one time we drew on the inside of the bed curtains.

_Yes. She couldn't figure out why her patients with smashed limbs were laughing out loud. _

I know there was one of Snape in drag. And one of Trelawney with a mohawk. Ooh, and Madam Pomfrey eating dung!

_Yes, that was one of our finer artistic moments. _

Indeed.

_We also, on occasion, enjoy messing around with Professor Sprout's horde of plants._

Nothing serious, just putting sneezing powder into the mandrake's pots. And having those tentacled plants levitate around for a day.

_That was classic. All the little First years in Greenhouse 1 were running around and getting grabbed around the head by giant tentacles. _

Yes. Of course, we also have pranks that we save for other teachers, too. But nothing truly specific. Hagrid, Sinistra, and Lupin are pretty standard, noisemakers and such.

_Sometimes we'll feel creative and rearrange their faces or something. _

Yes. We shall save some of our more triumphant pranks for another day.

_But don't forget that prefects are authority too! _

Unfortunately. But it's still great fun to mock them.

_Indeed. _

We often find that when they're chasing you, 'tis best to give them jellylegs.

_Or throw a well-aimed bat bogey hex over your shoulder. _

The best thing we ever did to prefects was to color their skin.

_It was actually quite simple, really. All we had to do was obtain the password to every prefects' bathroom in the school, which, considering our assets, which of course include Filch's drawer where he keeps all the passwords that we oh-so-swiftly raided._

Anyway, we got into each and every prefects bath in Hogwarts and put our special skin pigment soap in all of them.

_The end result was that next to all of the school prefects were sporting the violent skin color of our choice._

It was brilliant. They were vibrant.

_Well, it's about time to wrap up. We have Transfiguration in exactly five minutes._

Well, toodles.

_Our hearts weep until we meet again!  
_

-Gred and Forge

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Please review, I promise not to wait months to update!


	10. Halloween

Chapter 10: Halloween

Hello, everyone! I'm back! I'm terribly sorry for not updating over the last few months. I hate it when people don't update, and then I up and forget fanfiction exists when I get busy. I would like to donate this to Dumbledoresgirl1, as she really got me going and because her birthday was the 16th. Happy late birthday! Sorry this was not up sooner. Ok, here we go.

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Candy.

_Floating jack-o-lanterns._

Candy.

_The time of year bats are used as a decoration._

Candy.

_Spooky things that go bump in the night._

Candy.

_Pranks created to make people wet themselves in fright._

And candy.

_Yes, dearest Forge, there is candy._

And don't forget my personal favorite- candy!

_Ah, Halloween._

The perfect time of year to eat as much candy as you want.

_Bloody hell._

Don't say you don't agree with me!

_No! It just struck me that we still have to fix all of Percy's candy!_

But Percy doesn't eat the candy he receives.

_Exactly. He distributes it randomly among unwitting first years._

Ah. Seeing as they no longer trust us enough to accept ours.

_Righto._

You really are brilliant. I can hardly believe I'm related to you.

_And I you._

Because there truly is no resemblance.

_And our minds-_

Are hardly alike at all.

_Perhaps one of us is adopted._

That's the only explanation.

_But I digress. Or rather, we digress._

The great thing about today is that we're going to Hogsmeade prior to the feast.

_And opportunity to get more candy._

And more potentially dangerous things to put inside that candy

_We started off our celebrations about a week ago by carving several jack-o-lanterns of our own._

Most are the standard toothy, smiling face with triangle-shaped eyes that Muggles seem to be so fond of.

_We also got a little arty and made some lovely pictures of Snape, Filch, and Micky G (McGonagall). Despite the fact that we love dearest McGonagall and don't really want to ridicule her too much, her face looks very good on a pumpkin. _

We couldn't resist. It would be an insult to our craft.

_Some of our jack-o-lanterns go to more interesting use, though._

A few of them, I believe, will spew out stink pellets at unsuspecting passersby.

_While the others yell insults at unsuspecting passersby._

While my brother and I creep about garbed in long cloaks with pumpkins on our heads, jumping out and scaring the daylights out of unsuspecting passersby.

_The first years nearly wet themselves—it's endlessly entertaining._

And, if I recall, George here likes to grab whatever attractive girls we end up scaring and strategically pull them onto the ground with him, then ask for a date in the most shameless way possible.

_Yes…_

Which I fully intend to imitate this year.

_I nearly got Alicia to go to Hogsmeade with me!_

If only you hadn't squashed her.

_That must have been what hindered my chances._

McGonagall's calling for third years and up.

_Must dash._

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_We have returned!_

And we have candy!

_Honeydukes gave us a discount because we pooled all of our money and bought so much candy we had to charm it to make it a lighter load._

Well, it's a necessity, really. We need half the candy to eat for ourselves, and the other half to curse and inflict on those we love.

_And those we don't even know._

Hogsmeade was beautiful. Except for Percy's cousins.

_What, the dementors?_

I swear, he and those dementoids stand exactly the same way.

_Perhaps he was just repelled by the atrocious amount of sugar passersby were consuming._

Percy could use more sugar. It'd make him less of an arse.

_Moving on._

We went into the Three Broomsticks. And drank as much butterbeer as we could. Although later we may just use our secret tunnel for more.

_Then we visited Madam Puddifoot's and pressed our faces up against the glass and made kissing noises. _

The lovebirds in there really seem to hate that.

_No idea why. We're more attractive than all those blokes in there. The ladies should be begging us to come inside._

Alas, fate has not been good to us.

_After that lovely display of ours, we visited the Shrieking Shack and yelled at it for awhile._

I don't know why we do that, really, it's sort of a ritual of ours, I suppose.

_Then we met up with Lee and went into Zonko's. _

Where we purchased some lovely things to mix into some of the candy we bought.

_We also dropped into the Hog's Head to try and get some Firewhiskey. As we do every time. _

And Aberforth found us out, as he does every time.

_Alas._

Altogether, it was a very fruitful trip to Hogsmeade.

_We didn't see Harry, although Malfoy was screaming about something._

Hopefully he made it out, though.

_After Hogsmeade, we made our way to the feast. _

Before eating, we charmed our teeth to look like fangs. It makes optimum viewing pleasure for those we are dining with.

_Then we dove into the food like animals._

And surfaced just in time to see the candy we had planted at the different tables take its toll.

_A few people had the most lovely skin tones. And had sprouted ears._

Some of them had their mouths glued shut.

_I think a couple were roaring, also._

And, of course, something that looked alive popped out of Snape's dinner.

_I'm still not entirely sure what that was, myself._

Me neither. I found it in the back of our wardrobe. And the house elves were rather frightened when I gave it to them.

_Snape was rather disgusted._

And rather infuriated.

_His temper did not cease to rage when he saw those jack-o-lanterns tributed to him, either._

Dumbledore commented about how our carving skills were improving, though.

_After the feast, we delighted in watching students pick up the candy that we left in the hallways._

Which induced fireworks to go off down the corridor or a bat to swoop down at them from nowhere.

_It was rather amusing._

But when we got back to the Gryffindor common room, we found that the Fat Lady had been attacked.

_By Sirius Black, reportedly._

Harry must be in torment.

_Let's go cheer him up!_

I suggest hexing Malfoy.

_Let's do something to his underwear._

Agreed.

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Thank you for reading, and for sticking with me even though I don't update that much. I will try to start writing the next one soon. Any suggestions would really be welcome.


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